It's wierd here. It's not that I'm not doing well, cos I'm fine. It's just that I've realised a few things. Firstly, I'm bored. That wasn't a realisation, that's just a fact. I've applied for jobs, but I literally have nothing else to do. So I have a lot of time and nothing to do in it. Which is ironic, cos for the last year I've had LOADS of things to do and not enough time. Either way, I'm still broke...
And then the second realisation is that I really am very "alone". And I don't want pity or sympathy here - it's just the simple facts of it. For years and years I've spent all my time spreading myself so thinly around people. I "know" so many people, but I don't really know that many people that well. And not that many people know me that well. So I don't have any really good friends. I have people I know care for me, but I don't have people who I talk to all the time and chat with and who are my GOOD friends. I think part of me has always wanted a girl to be that person, to be my best friend. Having seen Mam and Dad's relationship, I think I always wanted emulate that and therefore I'd have surface deepness with a lot of people, and just wait for deepness to come with a female sometime. And that's just stupid. And it's meant that now I'm back here and my contact with my friends from 6th form or whenever has been so poor for the last year that I now have no-one to hang with or spend time with.
So I need to start again. And I get a chance to start again. Which I guess is a good thing. I get a fresh start in so many ways. But it means I am quite lonely and quite very alone to begin with. The people I'd consider my good friends are all miles away and incredibly busy. So for example - Matt is in Manchester and just started full-time teaching. Joel is in Nottingham and just got married and has a busy enough time as it is. Riba is in Spain and Anna is in Sheffield.
And that's it. It's all very strange. I can cope like, it's not as if I'm falling apart. I'm not. I'm doing fine. As I say, I'm a bit bored, but that's it.
Work will come, I have no doubt of that. I just wish it would come sooner. It's taking far too long. But it's all in God's hands. All of this is in God's hands. And it'll be fine. He only wants my good and my sanctification, and it's THAT that I'll cling onto. Not my feelings and stuff. The truth. The truth is important, everything else changes.
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2 comments:
hey,
hows things since this post? hope the job situation is going ok...i totally know what you mean about spreading yourself too thinly. but then again you dont want too many people to know you too well, and at least this time alone has given you space after being so busy for a period of reflection. and, as you say, it's the truth that matters. my advice (not that you need it) is start reading craploads. it's such a great way to eat up the hours and immerse yourself in a whole new world to discover. i wish i had the time to do that now :) have you read the tao te ching? if not, then read it, i think you may really relate to it.
anyways, take care,
sholeh
p.s. thanks for reading my stuff.
Hey man,
Sorry to hear. I have constant reminders of you when ever I turn on my mp3 player or winamp on my comp.
You gave me loads of great music - as well as some Jeff Buckley... ;)
Even though i didnt appreciate some of it at the time. Makes me smile, I have no-one to watch videos with this year...!
Keep typing,
Si
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