Impass

I've been thinking. There are so many "up in the air" things around me at the moment. It seems like everything in my life is unsettled and uncertain and directionless. My job, my accomodation, my direction, my desires, my friends - everything feels ridiculously uncertain.

And I've realised that this makes me think in reverse. It makes me think of my past and my life up to this point, and that sets all sorts of things in motion, lots of different emotions and feelings.

1. I miss my friends. I miss a lot of people from different places. Uni people: Matt, Skiv, Anna, Riba, Frances, Rachel, Ben, Sara, Whitby, and too many more to mention. EMW people: Joel, Ben, Naomi, Louise, Dan, Peanut, Pete, Andy Ball, Matt Gamston. Wheelock people: Danny (more than I thought I would), Si, Andrew, Klur, Andrew and Jean, my old ladies and SO many more. There are a lot of people other than that who I miss who I can't even mention because their names escape me. But I have met so many people who I felt I got close to, and now I barely have any contact with me. And this sets off another emotion...

2. Guilt/Regret. I've got close to a lot of people, I've wanted to be good friends with so many different people, and yet in one way or another, and now all I have left is one heck of a lot of memories and not a lot of contact with very few of them. I've alienated some of them, hurt others, and just lost contact with most. But there are a lot of things I remember about all of them. And sadly I feel like the things people remember about me are not good. I feel like I've given people a very poor account of myself. Either that or a remarkably accurate account of myself, which is more truthful than I would ever want it to be. And I want to be able to take so much wrong stuff back and so much hurt back and make everything Ok, but I feel like it's just impossible now. Like there IS no going back.

I feel plagued with guilt about certain incidents too. One in particular. I can't "get over" it, I cannot feel forgiven for it and washed of it. I wish I could, and I've been told to move on, but I can't. It's almost crippled me. I have the opportunity to apply for a job somewhere, but the fear of this and the guilt and shame I have attached to it is stopping me doing anything. It makes me feel totally incapable and unworthy of even applying for it. And it eats at me. I can't even think about it without wanting to break down in tears and collapse and do nothing for a week. I wish I could get past it, I've prayed I can get past it, but I can't. I just can't.

But then all of this makes me feel something else:

3. Lonely. There's not people here in Barton who I can confide in in the same way I could to Matt, or Joel, or Danny. My friends here, both of them, are great and I love them dearly, but there is not the same connection as with any of those three. And the men in the chuch here are fantastic men, but very far removed from me and I'm not the sort of person who they would or could easily identify with. And so there isn't much or even any companionship. I sense of unity with someone else. Matt, if you're reading, I do miss that a lot. I hope you know I do. There isn't any iron sharpening iron, or any brother to help me when I'm weak. Don't get me wrong, my girlfriend is super-duper, she really is. But I mean a brother in Christ, someone to lift me when I fall and to pray with me and to laugh with me and cry with me and hurt with me the way that I've had in the past. But then all this makes me feel this:

4. Excited for the future. My God doesn't want me feeling like this. This is not "life, and life to the full". Not in the real sense. He has a LOT stored up for me, and it is going to be good. Because he has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to do me good. He's promised me that. Yep, I need disciplining, and to learn discipline, but he's got his plans and he will achieve those. And that excites me.

So, yes. That's me. Keep in touch kids