The way things change

It's funny how things can change so quickly. One second everything can seem to be Ok and then the next it can all fall apart and feel like it's blowing up in your face. Or one second everything seems awful and like there's just no point, and the next everything seems worthwhile.

Yesterday was one of those days. Things were just odd. I felt fairly wretched in so many ways for so many reasons, and I stayed in bed all day - literally. In a way, that was a good idea but in others it wasn't. I was down all day, fed-up and annoyed at certain situations, feeling so far away from God especially, due to my sin. I don't trust him enough and I try on my own too much. I act and think like I can do it, and I can't. I know I can't, but I still keep trying. Is stupid. And so, in contrast, I got up early today and did things. I got things done and I went places and sorted a lot of things, which was nice, and so useful for me.

And then Riba came to visit me, and it was lovely. Really really lovely. I love Riba so very much, and yet our friendship is not what it should be. But just spending time with her encouraged me and helped me so much, more than I expect she'll ever know. And it just lifted me. More than "doing things", being around her lifted me. I feel, so often, like I can get by on my own and that I can cope without people - but I can't. I need people, just not all people. I need some people - good people - helpful people. I need friends. Genuine, Godly friends. Way more than I ever let on.
But I do.

And the last 48 hours is a classic example of how I can fluctuate. I go up and down all the time, every day in so many ways. And yet my God is constant. He is always faithful, always loving, always there for me and always sympathetic. When I struggle, he Loves me. When I "succeed" he Loves me. When I don't talk to him for a while, he Loves me and wants me to talk to him. And when I feel dirty and filthy and pathetic and unloveable, he Loves me and sees me not with my own filth, but with Christ's perfection. I am perfect in his sight. He could never love me more and he can and will never love me less. It's amazing. The creator of the whole universe, the perfect, Holy God, can and does Love me. ME!?! A pathetic sinner. I deserve nothing from him, and yet he gives me so much. And I ignore him so much.

Praise the Lord that he understands my weaknesses and frailties. He's been human - he knows the struggles. I just wish I Loved him more, and more constantly.