In the depths

Do you ever get the feeling that you are just too filthy to ever be acceptable to anyone? Let alone to be accepted before the God of the Universe? How do you combat that? I know the theology behind it. I know I'm washed clean (Isaiah 1:18) by Christ's death. I know that my sins are all forgiven because "it is finished" (John 19:30). I know that Jesus' death was an acceptable sacrifice to God, because Jesus rose again and was declared to be the Son of God (Romans 1:1-6). I know all this. I know it in my head and I can repeat it to anyone. I can assure anyone else of it with such utter certainty that it could convince even Hitler he could be forgiven.

But then why can't I feel like a) I have mourned my sin enough b) I am forgiven c) I can ever change d) I can forgive myself e) God could ever love and forgive someone as rotten and as wantonly sinful as ME?! Why do I not feel like I am changing and being "constantly conformed to the image of his son"? I feel so distant at the moment. And why do my feelings enter into it at all? I have an illness which directly affects my feelings anyway, and gives them a more negative slant on everything! I therefore shouldn't even consider them.

How can these questions be answered to someone who - for want of a better phrase - knows it all? I've grown up with the doctrine and the truth. I've studied the theology of it, in a lose sense. What else can I do?!

And you know what - I even know the answer. I remind myself of the truth again and again and again. I immerse myself in it. I constantly pester God for help to feel it. I again and again remind myself of the facts of the matter and I keep on going. One of my favourite quotes on persevering in the Christian life is this: When you don't know what else to do, do what you do know to do. And in many ways, that's all there is to do. I am NOT good enough for God and I never ever can be. I don't deserve forgiveness, and that's what makes the Christian gospel amazing. It is all of GRACE. What a magnificent word - Grace. It says so much in so little. And I could spend my life exploring its depths. Gladly.

I know I need my Christian brothers at the moment to be there for me. I need their help. And I know that being here, in Barton, is merely adding to my feeling of isolation from God, because I'm out of real fellowship with his people, with my brothers and sisters.

I'm not saying this for sympathy, I'm not saything this to get my Christian friends to come running to my aid. I'll be honest, I do feel totally sinful and dirty and, yeah, cut off from God right now. I need your prayers, if you're a brother or sister. And that's why I'm saying this. And also because, I know I can't be the only person on earth who ever feels this way. Therefore maybe my struggle can be an encouragement to someone else who struggles similarily.

Or maybe I just need a place to let it out. Who knows...?