First set of thoughts

I don't want this to be a whinge thing. I don't want this site to turn into a site where all I do is rant and permenantly whine about how hard things are and how tough things are for me. Because they're not - comparitively I have such an easy life. I know that I do, and I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a lovely family and a good house and a lot of people who care for me far more than I deserve. More than that, I have an amazing God who is always with me and who has ransomed my soul from an eternal punishment, and has made me a child of his by adoption through the blood of Christ. But I can't ignore the facts sometimes - and occasionally those facts mean that I can feel wretched.

I've been diagnosed with depression for about 6 years now. I've been on and off all sorts of medication since then and at the moment it seems to have it all under control. But I'm so incredibly lonely. I've realised this - particularly this last year. I can get so lonely and yet trap myself in a ball of loneliness where I isolate myself from those people who I know would be so GOOD for me to spend time with. And I spend time with those people who I know, deep down I know, are going to be ultimately bad for me. Or at least who won't be GOOD for me. And it's strange. I push those people who are close to me away, or at least don't make as much of an effort with them as I should, and I spend time with people who ultimately I don't care THAT much for. I confuse myself.

But tonight I am lonely. I miss friends. I miss people. I miss love and I miss intimacy. It may have something to do with my parents being away, but then it might not. I don't think it does actually. I know that a HUGE part of it is that I'm not as close as I should be and could be to my Lord and Saviour. He's constantly there for me, and yet I find so many things to do instead of chat with him and tell him how I feel. And so I hope that this place will be somewhere that I can do that. Somewhere I can express myself honestly and freely and somewhere I KNOW he can read and see. I know he knows my thoughts and my feelings, but he wants me to tell them to him too. And so maybe this can help, in some small way, to me being able to open up again.

Maybe. I need help with it. But then he knows that too