Hello To You...

The Frames

2007-07-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

I am quite a big fan of the band "The Frames". They're an Irish band, formed by a member of The Committments - Glen Hansard. Well, it's come to my realisation that a lot of my friends don't know their music well at all. So I've compiled a Best-of compilation. Some are live tracks, and any tracks that I've got more than 1 version of in the folder I've duplicated as the same number. You'll understand.

Anyway, the link is HERE, so download when you wish and let me know what you think.

Movie Soundtrack to my Life

2007-06-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

I got sent this thing a few years ago which asked this: "If someone were to make a movie of your life; what music would you have for what scene?". And then there was a list of the different generic scenes in a film. And I'd done it loads of times and changed it and done it again, but here's my latest effort. I've uploaded it to a file-sharing site as a ZIP file, and you can download it HERE. Please, have a listen, and fill it in for yourself.

Here's my list. Do your own, and pop it on a comment or your blog or an e-mail to me or something. And then create a ZIP file of the songs and send me it.

The Movie of My Life's Soundtrack

1. Opening Credits:
Longview - Further
2. Waking Up scene:
The Arcade Fire – Wake Up
3. Average Day scene:
Fionn Regan – Put a Penny in the Slot
4. Best Friend scene:
Broken Social Scene – Fire Eye’d Boy
5. First Date scene:
Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism
6. Falling In Love scene:
The Frames - Headlong
7. Love scene:
Goldfrapp – Let It Take You
8. Fight With Friend scene:
Ash - Clones
9. Break Up scene:
Tracy Chapman - Goodbye
10. Lonely scene:
Elliott Smith – Waltz # 1
11. Get Back Together scene:
Nada Surf – Concrete Bed
12. Fight scene:
Bloc Party - Helicopter
13. Wandering Around Randomly scene:
Mum – We Have a Map of the Piano
14. Heartbreak scene:
The Swell Season - Leave
15. Mental Breakdown scene:
The Cribs – Be Safe
16. Driving scene:
Deftones – Be Quiet and Drive
17. Lesson Learning scene:
Adem – Love and Other Planets
18. Deep Thought scene:
Ryan Adams – The Shadowlands
19. Revenge scene:
Reuben – Let’s Stop Hanging Out
20. Flashback scene:
Fink – This is the Thing
21. Party scene
Head Automatica – Disco Hades II
22. Happy Dance scene:
Reel Big Fish – The Set Up (You Need This)
23. Regret scene:
Feist - So Sorry
24. Long Night Alone scene:
Colin Hay - I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You
25. Closing Credits:
Gemma Hayes – 4:35am

Enjoy

Joke

2007-05-22T15:05:00.000-07:00

This made me laugh:

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

Meet my new Guitar...

2007-04-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Picked her up, and she is LOVELY. Am a big fan. Enjoy...

Meet my new Love...

2007-04-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

I may have bought a new guitar. I haven't actually taken it home yet, but it's mine. And I'm excited. It's lovely. Here, for those of you who know these things, are some specifications (taken from a website, not my own words!)...

Super jumbo cutaway body
All solid, premium grade woods
Solid Sitka spruce top
Solid African mahogany back and sides
High gloss body
Satin neck
Rosewood Bridge and fingerboard
Bone top nut and compensating saddle
Multiple celluloid bound body
Bound neck and headstock
Green abalone snowflake position markers
Gold Grover machine heads
Fishman Prefix plus Equalizer

And here's what it looks like:

Needless to say, I am excited.

Update - I forgot to tell you all, it's a Tanglewood TW55-DLX. NIIIIICE!

Thinkings and Challenges

2007-04-13T17:42:00.000-07:00

I have the honour and responsibility to preach at my home church this Sunday evening, and the passage I have been given is Jonah chapter 1+2 - a passage I knew with such familiarity that it could have bordered on complacency. And so approaching it, I was cautious. And so aware to not find lessons I was led to believe were there as a child, but are infact not there.

It has been a humbling time. Allow me to share just a few things with you that I've been struck by.

Firstly, the utter defiance of Jonah. God gives him in v1 a very clear command. "Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it, for their evil has come up before me". Nothing ambiguous in that. Go to Nineveh, the capital of Assyria, 500 miles North East of where he was, and preach that message. Simple.

But instead, vs 3 tells us... "But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the LORD. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went on board, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the LORD" And here I quote a scholar on the structure of this verse in the original Hebrew: 'Verse 3 is made up of 7 clauses. And in this type of Hebrew writing, line 1 corresponds to line 7, line 2 corresponds to line 6, line 3 corresponds to line 5, and line 4 stands all by itself as the pinacle of the verse. And here, in line 1 the storyteller mentions Tarshish. And in line 7 he mentions Tarshish. And in line 4 he mentions Tarshish! 3 times in 1 verse?! He doesn’t mention it cos we’re hard of hearing, he is using Geography to help us feel the intensity of Jonah’s defiance. God called him to Nineveh – Jonah fled to Tarshish. It’s not confusion. It is deliberate defiance. And it is ugly.'

Add this to the fact that Tarshish was thousands of miles South West of where Jonah was. Jonah's defiance was strong and heady and clearly thought out.

But did you know that to this very day, on the day of Atonement, the book of Jonah is read in Synagogues around the world as part of the Jewish liturgy? And do you know the traditional response of the congregation on the conclusion of the reading of this book? With one voice the congregations says: “WE ARE JONAH”.

This is NOT just a book for prophets or prophetic types. We are all Jonah. Everyone of us. We have all been privelidged recipients of the clear word of the Lord. Our problem has not been confusion, or a lack of clarity, our problem is not ambiguity or fuzziness. We are Jonah in that we have heard the difinitive word of the Lord in the Bible and we have gone in the opposite direction. God’s word to children: ARISE, GO, OBEY YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER. To not do this is defiance. God’s word to wives: ARISE, GO, SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBANDS. To refuse is defiance. God’s word to husbands: ARISE, GO, LOVE YOUR WIVES! To hesitate IS TO DEFY.

So where else has God been clear with us?? Has he been clear with us about Baptism? About the kind of words that should come out of our mouths? About our responsibilities in the Great Commission? About how we are to perform our job? About submitting to church leaders? About how we use our money? About forgiving one another? About the subject of sexual purity? HAS GOD BEEN CLEAR WITH US?!?! Yes he has. And so to not respond in immediate obedience is to react in a radical and violent display of defiance. WE ARE JONAH. YOU ARE JONAH AND I AM JONAH. IT IS ALL DEFIANCE. And if you or I don’t repent of it, defiance will damn us. No defiant person goes to heaven, because defiance, unchecked, is a mark of an unregenerate heart – no matter WHAT prayer you or I prayed.

And I have been so smacked and humbled and shamed by this. I am, and have been, so defiant and disobedient to God. I have shamed myself and him. And I worry that even know there are things in me which are still defiant to him which are unchecked. I have struggles which I LET get the better of me. I let myself be led in ways I should not.

I am so ashamed of my past. All I seem to have made in my life is mistakes. I have hurt people and friends and loved ones, but most of all I have defied my God. I am Jonah and you are Jonah. In Romans we read "NONE IS RIGHTEOUS. NO NOT ONE. NO ONE SEEKS FOR GOD. ALL HAVE TURNED ASIDE, TOGETHER THEY HAVE BECOME WORTHLESS. NO ONE DOES GOOD, NOT EVEN ONE" All are Jonah. All.

That is, all but one: The greater Gallilean prophet: Jesus. There was never the slightest defiance on his hands or heart. He said it was his pleasure to do the Father’s will. He was obedient, even to death, even to death on a cross. If Jonah is the personification of defiance, then Jesus Christ is the personification of obedience and righteousness. And the amazing thing is this; His obedience was for the purpose of taking away the guilt of our defiance. He perfectly fulfilled the will of God FOR US. I am Jonah and you are Jonah but he is NOT Jonah. He is our saviour. And if you and I see our defiance for what it is, then confess it to God, forsake it forever, repent of your sin and put your trust in the merits of the only one who ever fully obeyed - His life, His death, His resurrection are ALL acts of obedience that have won eternal life for people like you and me.

And I have to say that thrills my soul. That makes me well-up and rejoice. I don't deserve it! God had every right to do nothing to help me and you. And yet he came down as a man and suffered what we deserve. Why doesn't this spur me on more? Why doesn't it affect me more?

Prone to wander - Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love.

Lord it is my chief complaint that my love is weak and faint.

Praise be to the God of heaven. He does not give up on us; defiant and sinful and rebellious as we are.

Music and Music and Music

2007-04-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

Come and click on here and listen to "I Could Just Break" and let me know what you think. The first Dan James original recording for a while.

Feedback is always welcome!

Wedding Bells...

2007-04-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

... no, not for me, don't be silly. But for 2 of my friends from Uni - one of whom I used to lead Smallgroup with. Meet Doug and Rach...

Last Saturday they got Wed in the beautiful city of York. I've only been back to York once since I left, and I miss it. It is stunning, and full of beauty. I went with my ex-housemate Riba and her boyfriend Paul who now happens to live in Barton...

It was a fun day. Rach, who I know a LOT better than Doug, looked ridiculously happy and comfortable infront of everyone and it was an honour to be there, as initially I didn't think I'd be able to make it.

Was also brilliant to see my friend Matt, my best friend from Uni but someone I am hopeless at keeping in close contact with.

Other people were there, and all was a good laugh...

Altho Matt did decide, at one point, it would be fun to read the Yellow Pages. He was wrong...

I also started my new job t'other week. It's not too bad, can't complain at all. Shorter hours, more pay, what more can a guy ask for?

Oh, I still get to play with poo too. Joy of joys...

Sunday Sunday...

2007-03-25T06:22:00.000-07:00

Having browsed around and about, I have come across a fantastic entry in John Piper's Blog. Read it HERE. My question is; does God speak to you? Does he? Do you hear his voice? It's a resource we have available to us EVERY single day, and yet so many of us (myself included) ignore it. I kick myself when I think about the wasted opportunities.

Church was good this morning; Dad was finishing off his series on the Fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5), ending with self-control. It was really very good, and I have no doubt God spoke through those words too. Particularly about our Justification before God, and how complete and FINISHED it is. How wonderful it is. And it was excellent, and encouraging, particularly for a man prone to feel aware of his sinfulness. But I am forgiven. I am accepted. I am welcomed and Loved and given access to heaven itself. And that is a brilliant thing. And I want to see more of God and who he is. I want him to speak to me more, day by day, deeper and more pointedly. I want to be more aware of what he is like, so that I am less prone to doing those things which upset or hurt or grieve him. And so that I will delight more in pleasing him.

It's been a good day.

Jobbing

2007-03-21T11:04:00.000-07:00

I got me a new job.

As of Monday the 26th March 2007 I will be working in a Microbiology Lab in Scunthorpe General Hospital as a Laboratory Assistant. What this entails fully I'm not entirely sure, but I do know that I'll be doing basic tests on Blood, Urine, Faeces, Sputum and Semen. Mmm... nice. But the thought of that doesn't bother me at all, due to the fact that I'd rather test it when it's cold and in a petri dish than wipe it, steaming, off another human being. Call me crazy; that's the way I think.

I will miss Barrow Hall though. I have one last shift there; will be a sad day. Friday was a good day. It was Red Nose Day, so the staff came in Fancy Dress...

Some made more effort than others...

But it was all good. We wandered into Barton, took some donations from random members of the Public, and then had a quick coffee in the local supermarket...

After that we wandered to the cars and drove down to the Humber Bridge...

... and began to walk across. It was windy.

At the other side of the Bridge, there was some food and music and stuff.

In another fundraising attempt, we also shaved a man's head. Which was nice.

We were all delighted to have made it over and to have raised money for Charity...

Although some lazy tykes used other modes of transport to get across the Bridge...

Sadly tho, there weren't enough car spaces for everyone, so I had to walk back by myself.

I wasn't happy.

But overall, was a good laugh!

The truth

2007-03-13T15:26:00.000-07:00

I've recently had a lot of chats with my female friends about them and their boy issues and about different related things. And I've come to realise something. Women really do NOT understand us guys at all.

While it's true that us blokes DO admire and respect aesthetic beauty - we are not all and only that. You think that what we want is Movie-Star good-looks all the time. And when you think you look rough and we say you look nice, you think we're lying. Well, you're in for some news...

We're not.

When we say it, we mean it. Else we probably wouldn't say it unless prompted. And we do NOT want movie-star good looks. Yeah, that's a bonus, but all we really want is a woman who'll kiss us and who has a favourite episode of The Simpsons. Or Family Guy. Or SOME TV show or other that we like. We don't care if you're not Anna Watts, or Scarlett Johannson, or whoever it is that's famous that we think is nice. We don't expect you to be - we just want you to be you. Most of us - believe it or not - by a certain age have realised that beauty IS only skin deep. And we want you to realise that beauty IS in the eye of the beholder. And that beholder is US!

And, Christian ladies, we want a lady who loves Jesus. A woman who knows her own mind, is not easily walked over, but who - ultimately - loves God enough to do what he says. And that's THE most attractive thing you can have. And constantly worrying that you're not pretty enough or whatever - that's not something that's even in the equation for us.

So there. Deal with it.

Busy Bleedin' Me

2007-03-09T02:33:00.000-08:00

I have a new job. I am going to be working in the Pathology Lab in Scunthorpe General Hospital as a Lab Assistant. The hours are better, they pay is more, and I'll get to use my brain. All round, good job. Not entirely sure when I'm starting, but sometime in the next few weeks. So that's all good. What is strange is that the people at work who I was aware had "issues" with me and treated me badly are now getting on with me really well, are being nice, and are telling me not to leave. Which is quite a nice turn-around! So that's all good. I even got the job despite slicing my chin open while shaving on the morning of the interview. Oh, that and ripping the pocket of my trousers on the arm of the chair as I sat down to answer their questions. They MUST have liked me...
(It was a lot worse than this makes it look!)

Along with that I have had, and will have, a busy March. It began with Mam and Dad being away in Barcelona (me and my sister sent them for their Birthdays), so I was at home with the 2 teenagers who are living here at the moment. Meant cooking and cleaning and washing clothes and ironing and all sorts, but was fine. Mam and Dad had a good few days away, so that's what matters. And then there was all sorts of things kicking off at work, which was fun. And then I'm preaching this coming Sunday at a church in Hull on Jonah Chapter 3+4 (in one sermon!), which I'm looking forward to, but it's a bit more work added ontop of everything. I'm also speaking at the CU in Lincoln in a few weeks on Hebrews 12, going to a Ball with someone from work (The're 50+ and need a chaperone!) so that will be an interesting experience.

And then along with that I'm learning to drive and doing various bits of music and the like. So yeah... things are ticking along. Cannae complain!

I'm pushing an elephant up a... slope

2007-02-28T02:26:00.000-08:00

Saw this on Rob Whiteway's blog and it made me laugh. Cheers Rob.

Interview and Frames

2007-02-27T06:51:00.000-08:00

So, on Thursday 22nd February, I went to see The Frames live in Leeds, in a old-style concert hall. They are a band I have wanted to see live for a few years now, and I was ludicroulsy excited.

It was different to a lot of gigs I've been to, due to the fact that the entire hall was seated, and not standing. Which was odd. It gave the gig a very laid-back atmosphere, which both contributed and took-away from the gig as a whole. Overall, I don't think it was too detrimental at all.

The support act were a band called Four Day Hombre, who were good. Very good, infact. Although I was disappointed with their CD, but live they're well worth going to see. A cross between Elbow and Coldplay, but good. A decent warm-up in anyone's books.

And then The Frames came on, and they were absolutely breathtaking - and I don't mean that in the way that I use it far too much - they actually were breathtaking at points. Songs like "What Happens When The Heart Just Stops" were incredible, and it felt like I was sitting on the edge of my seat in anticipation and excitement during some songs; a feat made actually impossible by the legroom provided: enough only for a puppy. Despite some omissions from a Dan James "Frames songs I want to see live" list (Fitzcarraldo, for one), the set was brilliant, ranging from the delicate and tender, almost intimate, to the euphoric, swooping, emotional heights that you can still feel beating inside you when it's finished (You may think that's hyperbole: but it's not. One friend came along who had never heard them before, and commented afterwards that he felt "moved" and physically "not right" because of the emotion in the songs).

One of the highlights, for me, was when the band all left the stage, and violinist remained on his own. He announced that he was going to play a solo song, and then proceeded to play this haunting piece on the fiddle, which he then sampled and looped and played meoldies over the top. And while I'm sure it wasn't rocket science, it was heartbreakingly beautiful. Overall, the use of the violin is part of what makes The Frames so unique, to me. It doesn't dominate, rarely draws attention to itself, but it contributes at points to make songs sound ten times more emotional and heartwrenching than they maybe would without it.

Glen Hansard, the lead singer, is without doubt the most natural performer I have ever had the privelidge to watch live. As a former member of The Commitments, his ease on stage, both during and between songs, made the show complete. He interacted with the crowd, made them laugh, explained things to us, just chatted to us. And it was scary how he could crack a joke about Men and their emotional repression and inability to function in relationships, and then proceed to sing a song like "Leave"; a beautifully heartbreaking song about the end of a relationship.

The Frames are NOT pushing the boat out - they are simply doing a very accessible genre of music very well indeed. And I can't wait to see them again Live, as I intend on doing. If you haven't got any Frames, may I recommend buying either "Burn The Maps" or "Setlist" - two stellar albums. And I also heavily recommend a Glen Hansard side project "The Swell Season". It's stunning.

In other news, I had an interview on Monday for a job I want. As you know, I'm currently working in a care-home for adults with long-term mental health problems, and while I enjoy it, I don't want to do it forever. So this job is in a Pathology Lab in Scunthorpe General Hospital. The interview went well, and the lab looks a good place to work, so please keep that in mind when/if praying for me.

And in final news, Happy Birthday Mam and Dad. 50 within 3 weeks of each other, currently enjoying their present: 4 days in Barcelona. We went out for a meal in Damon's in Lincoln to celebrate with Anwen and James.

Have I said this before?

2007-02-22T05:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I am going to see The Frames, a band from Ireland who I have wanted to see more than any other over the past 2 or 3 years. I think there is only one thing I can say to that...

JACKANACKANORY!

Impass

2007-02-18T12:20:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking. There are so many "up in the air" things around me at the moment. It seems like everything in my life is unsettled and uncertain and directionless. My job, my accomodation, my direction, my desires, my friends - everything feels ridiculously uncertain.

And I've realised that this makes me think in reverse. It makes me think of my past and my life up to this point, and that sets all sorts of things in motion, lots of different emotions and feelings.

1. I miss my friends. I miss a lot of people from different places. Uni people: Matt, Skiv, Anna, Riba, Frances, Rachel, Ben, Sara, Whitby, and too many more to mention. EMW people: Joel, Ben, Naomi, Louise, Dan, Peanut, Pete, Andy Ball, Matt Gamston. Wheelock people: Danny (more than I thought I would), Si, Andrew, Klur, Andrew and Jean, my old ladies and SO many more. There are a lot of people other than that who I miss who I can't even mention because their names escape me. But I have met so many people who I felt I got close to, and now I barely have any contact with me. And this sets off another emotion...

2. Guilt/Regret. I've got close to a lot of people, I've wanted to be good friends with so many different people, and yet in one way or another, and now all I have left is one heck of a lot of memories and not a lot of contact with very few of them. I've alienated some of them, hurt others, and just lost contact with most. But there are a lot of things I remember about all of them. And sadly I feel like the things people remember about me are not good. I feel like I've given people a very poor account of myself. Either that or a remarkably accurate account of myself, which is more truthful than I would ever want it to be. And I want to be able to take so much wrong stuff back and so much hurt back and make everything Ok, but I feel like it's just impossible now. Like there IS no going back.

I feel plagued with guilt about certain incidents too. One in particular. I can't "get over" it, I cannot feel forgiven for it and washed of it. I wish I could, and I've been told to move on, but I can't. It's almost crippled me. I have the opportunity to apply for a job somewhere, but the fear of this and the guilt and shame I have attached to it is stopping me doing anything. It makes me feel totally incapable and unworthy of even applying for it. And it eats at me. I can't even think about it without wanting to break down in tears and collapse and do nothing for a week. I wish I could get past it, I've prayed I can get past it, but I can't. I just can't.

But then all of this makes me feel something else:

3. Lonely. There's not people here in Barton who I can confide in in the same way I could to Matt, or Joel, or Danny. My friends here, both of them, are great and I love them dearly, but there is not the same connection as with any of those three. And the men in the chuch here are fantastic men, but very far removed from me and I'm not the sort of person who they would or could easily identify with. And so there isn't much or even any companionship. I sense of unity with someone else. Matt, if you're reading, I do miss that a lot. I hope you know I do. There isn't any iron sharpening iron, or any brother to help me when I'm weak. Don't get me wrong, my girlfriend is super-duper, she really is. But I mean a brother in Christ, someone to lift me when I fall and to pray with me and to laugh with me and cry with me and hurt with me the way that I've had in the past. But then all this makes me feel this:

4. Excited for the future. My God doesn't want me feeling like this. This is not "life, and life to the full". Not in the real sense. He has a LOT stored up for me, and it is going to be good. Because he has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to do me good. He's promised me that. Yep, I need disciplining, and to learn discipline, but he's got his plans and he will achieve those. And that excites me.

So, yes. That's me. Keep in touch kids

So this is the New Year?

2007-01-15T08:23:00.000-08:00

And I don't feel any different, to quote Death Cab for Cutie. True story too.

2006 was an odd year, in many many ways. I was working for Wheelock Heath Baptist Church at the start of the year, and loving it. There were ups and downs, and then I left that place - a place I do still miss. A lot. And there were SO many experiences from there that I will treasure and value and I'll never forget, people I'll miss and do miss incredibly, and then things that I won't and don't miss. Mostly, WHBC is a place I miss a ludicrous amount.

And then I moved home; a place I never wanted to move back to for any length of time. But here I am. And am quite settled in my room, if not the house. The house is odd, we've taken in those 2 teenagers. I got a new job in a care-home for adults with long-term mental health problems, which I enjoy the work but really quite strongly dislike the other staff so am keen to move elsewhere. And am keen to get money and move away...

And then that raises another question: where? I have no idea where I want to be, what I want to do, why I want to do it, or anything like that. Life is very... up in the air. And I don't muchly like it. It all feels a bit dramatic, like it's going to explode in some great big finale at some point. Hope it doesn't.

Lots of other things have changed too. Friendships, situations, lives, and all sorts. I feel like a different person from this time last year, and I'm not entirely sure I like who I am.

I guess I'm the only one who can do anything about it though.

Things aren't as bad as that makes it all sound though. I'm mostly all fine. Honest!

Also, for all who are interested - click on the "My Music Myspace" link at the side, and listen to "The Book of Love" - I recently recorded it and am quite pleased with it. Let me know what anyone thinks, although I'm quite confident that this isn't that well-read anyway!

Uninspired

2006-12-02T12:26:00.000-08:00

Currently, things are dull here. Not necessarily a bad thing, but dull nonetheless. Work is still far too long (12 hour shifts - WHY?!!), but now that I'm used to it and I know what I'm meant to be doing and when, it goes a lot quicker and days fly by when I'm at work. They're exhausting me - due to being the only bloke on my side of the shifts, I get a lot more day-to-day jobs to do now. Which is fine, but exhausting. It also means that when people kick-off, I'm the one who has to go and sort it out. I'm just hoping no-one discovers I'm actually a wuss anytime soon...

Been Christmas shopping lately, which has been a lot less hassle than normal, due to the joys of the internet! I've done the majority of my shopping online, with the odd exception here and there. But it's been great! I just hope it all gets delivered here before Christmas.

The kids staying with us seem settled, even if they do seem increasingly more wierd every day. I know the girl has autism, but she is very odd with it. And the lad is coming out of his shell day by day, which is good. Even starting to get some banter with him. It's just strange having them around, it alters the whole dynamics here - but I think that's in a good way. Me, Mam and Dad all seem closer as a result. Which can only be a good thing, surely.

I think I'm a bit flat, spiritually, at the moment too. I feel like God is a fair distance from me, and that I'm just 'going through the motions' at the moment. And I don't quite know what to do about it. At the moment, I'm just persevering on and doing 'the usual'. I think part of it is due to the fact that I'm spiritually very lonely. There is no-one local with whom I can have spiritual conversations with, particularily blokes. I do miss you "men" at Wheelock, it seems, particularly Danny. Spiritual support is vital in our Christian life, I'm convinced of it more and more. And I trust God is totally in control of all this, and has planned/allowed for life to be this way to make me more like his Son, I guess it's just hard sometimes. I don't like feeling spirtually empty. But God knows what he's doing, and so I'll trust him. Infact, there's nothing else I can do BUT trust him. So that I shall...

Also! Go to this link and download a fantastic song from the newest Damien Rice album. Just don't tell anyone I let you do it...

12 hours and 24

2006-11-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

Work has finally happened! I am now officially a care-assistant for Guardian Care homes at Barrow Hall Care Home. And it's fun. While the 12 hour shifts aren't great (far, far too long!) the work is do-able and very fun indeed. The other staff are all friendly and accomodating (apart from one other care-nurse, but she can be handled) and the residents are SO funny. Yes - some of them can get a little bit aggressive, but that's to be expected. On my first day, one lady came up to me, stared me in the face and said in this mildly 'pathetic' voice, "I can't Poo!". Which made me laugh - inwardly - like a little child. And she gives me an update every 4 hours every day - like clockwork. She's hilarious. There are some other clients who are funny and who make me laugh, like 1 guy who cross-dresses and who enjoys flirting with me, but most of them are just nice people. I've read some of their case reports though, and all of them have really sad stories. It's such a shame that they're where they are, but the quality of care there is really very good.

So yes, I'm enjoying it.

I'm also enjoying series 4 of 24 - which is nice. I managed to borrow it, and have started it today on my day-off. And it's fantastic. I love this show, and wish I was Jack Bauer.

In other news, the 2 teenagers who we're looking after have settled well and seem to be doing Ok. They keep telling us how happy they are here and how much they like it here. Which is great. Their mother seems to be getting better, although is convinced that she's commited some unforgiveable sin. So... it's hard. But all seems Ok.

And that's about all the new from Dan. I still wish I was Jack Bauer...

All change!

2006-11-08T09:11:00.000-08:00

Well, it's all change here tonight. It's been a manic couple of weeks for Mam and Dad, and it's all culminating (for the time being) in today.

The long and the short of it is this: one of the ladies from church has been sectioned as-of the weekend, which meant her 2 children had to go and live with their original father. But the daughter has Autism, and the Dad realised he couldn't cope with her, or take proper care of her because he has to leave for work at 5:45 every morning. So the Social Services rang Dad - the minister of her church - to ask if there would be people from church who could go round of a morning to help the 2 kids get to school all Ok. So that was initially the plan.

But after some considerationa and um-ing and ah-ing by Social services and the 2 kids father, followed by a discussion type thing with my Mam and Dad, they all decided that the 2 kids should come and live in our house.

So, 6:30 tonight, 2 teenagers - 1 autistic the other just a little slow - move in to our house indefinately.

All change indeed.

Cogito Ergo Sum?

2006-11-06T06:23:00.000-08:00

I’ve recently decided to start expanding my mind. Not in a chemical sense, but in terms of reading and stuff. I’m still waiting for job and different bits-and-bobs to start, so I have a lot of free time. And since watching the Rugby and football, I’ve wanted some exercise, and as I’m too lazy to get up and go for a run I decided mental exercise would do just fine.

So I bought a music magazine called “The Wire”, which contained a lot of music, styles, ideas, people and genres that I had never even heard of, so I decided to investigate. I asked my girlfriend what things she had for me to read about the various things I’d heard of from the magazine, and I did some reading. And I’ve discovered that I am a big fan of Minimalism, I’m quite interested by the Fluxous movement and its philosophies and proponents – people like John Cage and Steve Reich - and that I hate – or at least strongly dislike – Serialistic music.

John Cage in particular had some very interesting ideas. He believed that the performer and the listener alike should have as much “control” and influence over a piece of music as the writer of the piece – one of the fundamental ideas behind the fluxous movement - and he created some music to demonstrate this. Some pieces he wrote, he didn’t fill-in all the notes, leaving the performer to improvise in this “spaces”, which gave them some control over the music, and it meant that no 2 performances of these pieces was ever the same. He also had a theory about silence, which said that silence doesn’t exist. For example, even in a silent room, you could still hear your own heartbeat or your breathing or the movement of your clothes or body or similar things. He incorporated these theories together and “wrote” the piece 4’33”. This was a piece where a full orchestra was assembled, and they all picked up their instruments and held them as if they were JUST about to start playing – the conductor held a pose as if he were JUST about to start conducting – and then they did nothing for 4 minutes and 33 seconds. He wanted to explore the idea of “silence” and demonstrate that it does not exist. So the although the piece was technically silent, the audience still heard things. Whether that was their own movement or bodies or something similar, or noises inadvertently coming from the orchestra themselves – an accidentally plucked string or the creak of an instrument – he wanted to demonstrated the meaningless of the term “silence”. You could sum-up this whole piece by one of Cage’s quotes from a lecture he gave – “I have nothing to say, and I’m saying it.” I don’t want to assert that it’s music, but it’s certainly something interesting. Even if it may well be a load of guff. Still, he’s dead – so you can’t criticise too much… can you?

Along with that, I’ve decided to start reading “Does God Believe in Atheists?” by John Blanchard again. And it is fascinating. Looking at the development of philosophical ideas on God and existence over the last 3000 years has really stretched me and interested me. I haven’t read all of the developments, infact I’m only just upto the 1800’s, but so far it’s really interesting. I’ve learnt about; Monism – the belief that all reality consists of only one basic essence out of which everything in the cosmos was made; Optimistic Rationalism – the belief that humans can reach perfection through the acquisition of “true knowledge”, that the only way to knowledge was reason, and that evil would one day disappear from the world as people are educated; Atomism – the belief that reality consisted of empty space and an unlimited number of “invisible, eternal and unchangeable building blocks which moved because of their own innate powers”, things which he called Atoms for the first time; Naturalism – the belief that our universe is a “closed system” in which everything has a “natural” explanation; Scepticism – the belief that man is unable to know the real nature of the world or how it came into being and that Dogma was a disease which could only be cured by countering it by suspending judgement on all areas of life, a theory where “not knowing” is exalted, and where open-mindedness is synonymous with intellectual sophistication.

Those are just a few of the things I’ve got my teeth into, and have absolutely loved. There are many dozens more so far, and I’m still getting my head round them in an attempt to see where “modern” atheists get their views from and what has influenced them. I want to be able to know what they believe, why I believe/know it’s wrong and erroneous so that I am able to “argue” the case for God and Christ in the hope that I could point some to the saviour. And yet while I read it, I’m conscious that apologetics is NOT Evangelism, by any means. It can be a useful tool in Evangelism, but it is NOT Evangelism itself. For that we need the gospel, and the gospel can be summed in 4 words: Jesus Christ is Lord. And that is THE absolute truth. How do I know? Because the creator of all truths tells us so.

And then I’ve also been assessing my mood. I’m not going to go into any great depths here, but suffice it to say that I’ve realised my brain needs stimulating, not just entertaining. Due to not having a lot to do these days, I am “free” to watch a lot of 24 – I’ve managed to borrow series 2 and 3 from a friend – and while I love it and enjoy it, it doesn’t challenge me mentally. And I think I need it. Because otherwise I dwell on “me” and my life, and that’s not good for me, because I tend to have a ‘Tourrets’ view of myself.

I’ve also been trying to challenge myself musically. I’ve started trying to figure out some more complex things on the guitar, as well as the Piano. So for example, I’m currently figuring out “Gymnopedie #1” by Erik Satie on the Piano, which is nice.

Along with this, I have got into some new music. Here’s a list of artists I heavily recommend: Amon Tobin, Regina Spektor, The Album Leaf, Brian Houston, Soulwax, Stars, Feist, Department of Eagles, Tunng, Coil, Explosions in the Sky, Mogwai, Mum, Modest Mouse, Om, Steve Reich, Arvo Peart, John Cage, Keith Jarret, Erik Satie, The Swell Season, Scott Matthews… to name but a few.

So that’s the update from Dan. I’ll no doubt be a bit more regular from here on in. I hope. But I want to end with a the story behind the famous quote I have as my title because I found it quite fascinating. It’s from the famous philosopher Rene Descartes, who was keen to hold religion and science together, and to do this he tried to bring certainty into the very abstract world of philosophy by discarding everything that could possibly be doubted, in an attempt to find something that was beyond all doubt. He doubted the use of empirical evidence because, he argued, our senses weren’t always reliable. To back this up he used dreams, which seem exceptionally real while they happen, but aren’t. He reached a point where he wrote “I am constrained to admit that there is nothing in what I formerly believed to be true which I cannot somehow doubt”.

Despite this, he carried on, and one day he took himself away into a room on his own, determined to doubt everything that could be doubted. After hours of this, he came to the conclusion that, whatever doubts he might have, his own mind must exist as a thinking, doubting being. And this was his conclusion: Cogito Ergo Sum – ‘I think, therefore I am”.

However, many years later, a man called David Hume attempted to show that reason was no more than custom and habit. He argued that it was impossible to trust the perceptions of our mind because they were essentially products of our sensations, emotions and ideas. All that we could say about our experiences was that we were having experiences. We couldn’t actually prove, empirically, that the mind or the self existed. Any given substance was ‘nothing but a collection of simple ideas’. And he managed to whittle down the famous phrase ‘I think, therefore I am’ to ‘I think, therefore thinking exists’.

Not a great story, but a true one…

[a lot of information taken from John Blanchard's book - please don't sue me!]

EDIT TO PREVIOUS POST:

Here's some The Swell Season lyrics from a song called Leave:

"I can't wait forever" is all that you said before you stood up.
And you won't disappoint me - I can do that myself
But I'm glad that you've come
Now if you don't mind...

Leave, leave,
And free yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
I don't understand, you've already gone

And I hope you feel better.
Now that it's out, What took you so long?
And the truth has a habit of falling out of your mouth
But now that it's come
If you don't mind...

Leave, leave,
And please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you came to
Now leave, leave
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you came to
Now leave, leave...

Jackanackanory

2006-10-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

So it's been an interesting weekend. I've had some good discussions and thoughts and all sorts. Overall, I can't complain. On Thursday I had a big discussion with a guy who is strongly atheist and science relient, and uses words like "empirical" in too many sentences. He's an intelligent guy, but if he thinks he's a free-thinker, he's naive. He's just following the crowd of ease without challenging himself with the truth. But anyway, the discussion was about morality and what is right and wrong, and then it moved on to where morality came from and it suddenly hit me... so many people are confusing what is morally right and wrong with what is socially permitted. There is an assumption that whatever society decides is right or wrong, IS right or wrong. But that's getting morality confused with permissiveness. Which is a tad naive. I mean, how can we allow the norms of society to dictate what is right and wrong, or what is good and what is evil, when we live in a society where a person can trip over in the street and sue the council for his own clumsiness. Is that "moral"? No, not in my lifetime son.

And then tonight, I was having a discussion with someone about Opera and then about Contemporary music, in the academic sense, and things like Berio. And there was talk about pretention and people who listen to music PURELY because it's hard to listen to, and who you get the impression they don't actually like it, but because, when they talk about it, they have to sound all intelligent in its defence, they cite it as a favourite, and this all stemmed from my friend disregarding Gemma Hayes as pop when she's clearly a musical genius. And so that was all good.

But then I went downstairs, and Dad was watching Stargate SG1 on SkyOne and Mam was listening to The Archers. And it made me smile. There's no pretention in my family!

24 and more of the same

2006-10-10T06:54:00.000-07:00

I am currently addicted to series 1 of 24. I borrowed the box-set from a friend of mine in Nottingham and I can't stop watching. I find it hard to believe that I didn't get into it before. It's amazing! Such a good story, so well shot, so well written, well acted - all is good. I've only seen the most recent series on Sky One at the Foulkes', and never seen anything before, so this series is excellent. I do think I'm partially in Love with Kim Bauer, but that has nothing to do with it. It's just a good show.

I also found out this morning that one of my friends from 6th form died yesterday in a car crash. I didn't know him that well (although he was the first person to ever play me any Ryan Adams), but some of our mutual friends are pretty devastated. So I'm trying to get in contact with people and "be there" for people I've hardly had any contact with for 4 years. It's strange. What to do?

Death is such a strange thing. That snooker player died yesterday, and he's left behind a wife and 10-month old daughter. Death is so indescriminate and so... unfair, almost. And I find it even wierder that it doesn't affect me. I feel gutted for the left-behinds, but death itself doesn't upset me. I feel so very numb about so many things, and not in a good way. It's odd - I don't know what to do about it. Or if there even is anything I CAN do about it. So... just carry on.

Deep down, part of me knows I'm appreciated by people. Part of me wishes I was back there. Part of me knows it was right to leave. And then part of me wishes I wasn't me. And the texts are appreciated. So there.

Can't Help You

2006-10-09T16:52:00.000-07:00

In the way that my mind does, I've been thinking about stuff. Lots of stuff, as it happens. My brain is all over the shop.

One of the things I've been thinking about - creating stuff. I love creating. We went to one of those "Paint a Pot" things in Beeston last week - Vic and her housemate wanted to go. I didn't paint anything because I couldn't afford it, primarily, but also because I felt so completely at a loss for anything to put on it. And Vic and Claire did these stunning designs on their mugs, and I tried to doodle and draw something which didn't irritate me, but I just couldn't. And it's not just stupid painting things - it's music, the one thing I have a huge passion for. I can't create anything good or new or beautiful. And it's like I have all these amazing (!!) songs in my head that I just can't write. I'm trapped! I can't get them out of me. I can feel them and I can hear them and I KNOW what they feel like to sing and play, but yet I can't get them out. And it annoys me, because I listen to the music I own which blows me away and yet is so often so simple, and I think "I COULD DO THAT!!", and yet I can't. My voice isn't what I wish it was, my songs aren't good enough, everything is not good enough. I'm my own worst enemy. I can't even write the way I wish. Even now I'm getting annoyed at how angsty and 'fed-up' this blogsite of mine sounds. And even annoyed at the amount of times I've started a sentence with the word "and".

I also don't like the way I hurt people. People I care for. I'd do anything to not. I just can't seem to help it. I do it without even knowing it, completely unintentionally. I can't undo what's been done, and I can't change the things that are. I'd give anything to undo half of my life. Anything at all.

In other news, I miss Wheelock. I was thinking about this. While I was there, it felt like I'd always been there and been a part of the church. But now that I've left, I feel like I was never there at all. I get the odd phone-call from one of the old ladies, but apart from that it's like I was never there. I find it strange, and don't quite know what to make of it.

And then on top of that, I don't think my depression's as good as my good-mood lets on. I think I'm covering. And that scares me, because that usually means a blow-out around the corner.

Sometimes I just want to stop walking...

In the depths

2006-09-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get the feeling that you are just too filthy to ever be acceptable to anyone? Let alone to be accepted before the God of the Universe? How do you combat that? I know the theology behind it. I know I'm washed clean (Isaiah 1:18) by Christ's death. I know that my sins are all forgiven because "it is finished" (John 19:30). I know that Jesus' death was an acceptable sacrifice to God, because Jesus rose again and was declared to be the Son of God (Romans 1:1-6). I know all this. I know it in my head and I can repeat it to anyone. I can assure anyone else of it with such utter certainty that it could convince even Hitler he could be forgiven.

But then why can't I feel like a) I have mourned my sin enough b) I am forgiven c) I can ever change d) I can forgive myself e) God could ever love and forgive someone as rotten and as wantonly sinful as ME?! Why do I not feel like I am changing and being "constantly conformed to the image of his son"? I feel so distant at the moment. And why do my feelings enter into it at all? I have an illness which directly affects my feelings anyway, and gives them a more negative slant on everything! I therefore shouldn't even consider them.

How can these questions be answered to someone who - for want of a better phrase - knows it all? I've grown up with the doctrine and the truth. I've studied the theology of it, in a lose sense. What else can I do?!

And you know what - I even know the answer. I remind myself of the truth again and again and again. I immerse myself in it. I constantly pester God for help to feel it. I again and again remind myself of the facts of the matter and I keep on going. One of my favourite quotes on persevering in the Christian life is this: When you don't know what else to do, do what you do know to do. And in many ways, that's all there is to do. I am NOT good enough for God and I never ever can be. I don't deserve forgiveness, and that's what makes the Christian gospel amazing. It is all of GRACE. What a magnificent word - Grace. It says so much in so little. And I could spend my life exploring its depths. Gladly.

I know I need my Christian brothers at the moment to be there for me. I need their help. And I know that being here, in Barton, is merely adding to my feeling of isolation from God, because I'm out of real fellowship with his people, with my brothers and sisters.

I'm not saying this for sympathy, I'm not saything this to get my Christian friends to come running to my aid. I'll be honest, I do feel totally sinful and dirty and, yeah, cut off from God right now. I need your prayers, if you're a brother or sister. And that's why I'm saying this. And also because, I know I can't be the only person on earth who ever feels this way. Therefore maybe my struggle can be an encouragement to someone else who struggles similarily.

Or maybe I just need a place to let it out. Who knows...?

Too much time to think?

2006-09-08T07:42:00.000-07:00

It's wierd here. It's not that I'm not doing well, cos I'm fine. It's just that I've realised a few things. Firstly, I'm bored. That wasn't a realisation, that's just a fact. I've applied for jobs, but I literally have nothing else to do. So I have a lot of time and nothing to do in it. Which is ironic, cos for the last year I've had LOADS of things to do and not enough time. Either way, I'm still broke...

And then the second realisation is that I really am very "alone". And I don't want pity or sympathy here - it's just the simple facts of it. For years and years I've spent all my time spreading myself so thinly around people. I "know" so many people, but I don't really know that many people that well. And not that many people know me that well. So I don't have any really good friends. I have people I know care for me, but I don't have people who I talk to all the time and chat with and who are my GOOD friends. I think part of me has always wanted a girl to be that person, to be my best friend. Having seen Mam and Dad's relationship, I think I always wanted emulate that and therefore I'd have surface deepness with a lot of people, and just wait for deepness to come with a female sometime. And that's just stupid. And it's meant that now I'm back here and my contact with my friends from 6th form or whenever has been so poor for the last year that I now have no-one to hang with or spend time with.

So I need to start again. And I get a chance to start again. Which I guess is a good thing. I get a fresh start in so many ways. But it means I am quite lonely and quite very alone to begin with. The people I'd consider my good friends are all miles away and incredibly busy. So for example - Matt is in Manchester and just started full-time teaching. Joel is in Nottingham and just got married and has a busy enough time as it is. Riba is in Spain and Anna is in Sheffield.

And that's it. It's all very strange. I can cope like, it's not as if I'm falling apart. I'm not. I'm doing fine. As I say, I'm a bit bored, but that's it.

Work will come, I have no doubt of that. I just wish it would come sooner. It's taking far too long. But it's all in God's hands. All of this is in God's hands. And it'll be fine. He only wants my good and my sanctification, and it's THAT that I'll cling onto. Not my feelings and stuff. The truth. The truth is important, everything else changes.

A change in the mood

2006-09-07T13:57:00.000-07:00

This made me smile:

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children - Bill Hicks

True story. He was a funny man. If a tad rude at points.

Do you ever have those times where you feel like there's an infinite stream of thoughts of profoundity and beauty flying round your head, and then when you try and get them out - in whatever form that may be - you feel completely retarded and unable to string together 2 words with any meaning at all.

And then sometimes, you feel completely unable to justify the way that you feel? Like, you have a good day and a really nice time and then feel awful afterwards? Where does that come from? It's like I have this strange need to sabotage any positive feelings I have about anything. I have a need and a very clever ability to sabotage most good things in my life.

And so, bearing that in mind, how on earth to I combat that with the truth of God being Sovereign? I know He is, and I trust it with all of my heart, but how do my emotions and things come into play with that? How do I balance them off? Which is what? It's so confusing sometimes. But then others, when I sit and actually think about it or vocalise it to someone else, it's really not that confusing and I just manage to get myself all in a tizzy over nothing.

Maybe that's part of the problem with me sometimes: I don't have someone to vocalise my thoughts to so I can see when I'm being an idiot clearer, and so I can reason myself out of certain moods and feelings.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm being overdramatic. I suspect that's highly likely.

Home, Sweet Home...?

2006-09-07T07:57:00.000-07:00

Barton-upon-Humber is a strange, strange place. For example, I haven't lived here for 4 years, not properly, and NOTHING here has changed. There's still the same old people doing the same old things. People who work in the shops are all the same, there's nothing new here. It's all just so eerie and like a lost village or something. And I find it really strange that people who used to be it are now still here and still trying to be it in Barton. I mean, it's BARTON. It's a little town on the edge of a disgusting river near NOTHING of any significance.

I just find it a little odd that people are so willing to settle for the familar and aren't willing or daring enough to perhaps fly the nest and leave the home town. But then that made me wonder - am I just arrogant and think I'm "better" than them all, because I went to Uni and then lived away for a while? I don't think it's that, I like to think that I have a bit of perspective on life. Why do people stick around somewhere like this? Somewhere that's not pretty, that has nothing of particular note in it or even nearby, and where there are no real career or decent job options. I can understand why people maybe move to Barton when they're older, but... if you've been here forever, you don't want to stick around. Surely!?

There are some things I think I'll never understand

A little perspective

2006-09-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how things can really put other things into perspective.

I've found it odd and wierd being home. I've missed friends. I've felt a bit down. I've hated being single and I dislike a lot of other stupid little things. But just now I was chatting to an 18 year old girl who just had a miscarriage on Friday after being pregnant for 11 weeks. And it puts a lot of my earthly suffering into so much perspective it's humbling.

No matter what "issues" I face, or what problems I think I have, there are ALWAYS people who are fighting things I can't even imagine. Things that I will maybe never have to deal with. And yet I whinge at the smallest little things.

It's humbling.

The way things change

2006-09-05T08:07:00.000-07:00

It's funny how things can change so quickly. One second everything can seem to be Ok and then the next it can all fall apart and feel like it's blowing up in your face. Or one second everything seems awful and like there's just no point, and the next everything seems worthwhile.

Yesterday was one of those days. Things were just odd. I felt fairly wretched in so many ways for so many reasons, and I stayed in bed all day - literally. In a way, that was a good idea but in others it wasn't. I was down all day, fed-up and annoyed at certain situations, feeling so far away from God especially, due to my sin. I don't trust him enough and I try on my own too much. I act and think like I can do it, and I can't. I know I can't, but I still keep trying. Is stupid. And so, in contrast, I got up early today and did things. I got things done and I went places and sorted a lot of things, which was nice, and so useful for me.

And then Riba came to visit me, and it was lovely. Really really lovely. I love Riba so very much, and yet our friendship is not what it should be. But just spending time with her encouraged me and helped me so much, more than I expect she'll ever know. And it just lifted me. More than "doing things", being around her lifted me. I feel, so often, like I can get by on my own and that I can cope without people - but I can't. I need people, just not all people. I need some people - good people - helpful people. I need friends. Genuine, Godly friends. Way more than I ever let on.
But I do.

And the last 48 hours is a classic example of how I can fluctuate. I go up and down all the time, every day in so many ways. And yet my God is constant. He is always faithful, always loving, always there for me and always sympathetic. When I struggle, he Loves me. When I "succeed" he Loves me. When I don't talk to him for a while, he Loves me and wants me to talk to him. And when I feel dirty and filthy and pathetic and unloveable, he Loves me and sees me not with my own filth, but with Christ's perfection. I am perfect in his sight. He could never love me more and he can and will never love me less. It's amazing. The creator of the whole universe, the perfect, Holy God, can and does Love me. ME!?! A pathetic sinner. I deserve nothing from him, and yet he gives me so much. And I ignore him so much.

Praise the Lord that he understands my weaknesses and frailties. He's been human - he knows the struggles. I just wish I Loved him more, and more constantly.

Late Sunday thoughts - maybe Monday

2006-09-03T16:44:00.000-07:00

I've spent tonight watching the Shakespeare Retold DVD, and was knocked over, particularly, by Much Ado About Nothing. Damien Lewis is one of my favourite actors due to Band of Brothers anyway, but he's just brilliant in Much Ado... especially. And there's a scene between his character (Benedict) and Beatrice (played by Sarah Parish) the night before he has to give the best-man's speech at his friend's wedding, and he's decided to read a Sonnet instead of a typical best-man's speech. And he chose Sonnet 116. And he wants Beatrice to help him understand the Sonnet better so they read it together and she explains it to him and yada yada yada. But the Sonnet just stood out, massively. It smacked me in the face. You've (who?) already read it no doubt, but it just smacked me and I wanted to pop it on here. So I will do:

Sonnet 116
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Paraphrase of SONNET 116
I don't believe in any barriers to the union between true lovers.
Love isn't really love if it changes when we notice our beloved has changed.
Love doesn't vary when someone tries to lure us away from our beloved.
No way! Love is like a rock, and storms can't undermine it.
Love is a constant guide to us as we sail through life,
But we can't really see its true value even if we can quantify love somehow.
Love doesn't vary with time, even if the glow of youthfulness passes from our beloved's face.
Love doesn't vary because of time; it stays constant even until death.
If I'm wrong about this, then I never wrote anything and nobody has been in love.

I also remembered this poem. It's the one from Four Weddings and a Funeral. And it's just stunning. So so stunning. So here this is too:

Stop All The Clocks

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

I know it was written by a man for a man, don't read any form of homesexual desires into it, but it is so heartbreaking and beautiful. It's the kind of thing I have this stupid image of my wife reading out at my funeral in however-many years time.

And then I also found this. I love this. It says so much so well...

An extract from Captain Corelli's Mandolin

"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those who truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from the branches they find that they are one tree and not two."

I wish that I could write one thing even a 10th of the beauty of those. Sometimes it can be so frustrating. But then my inability makes me grateful that other people were able to. Because it helps me. And I hope it helps you.

Praise the LORD that he gifted other people to do those things 'eh?!

First set of thoughts

2006-09-02T12:07:00.000-07:00

I don't want this to be a whinge thing. I don't want this site to turn into a site where all I do is rant and permenantly whine about how hard things are and how tough things are for me. Because they're not - comparitively I have such an easy life. I know that I do, and I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a lovely family and a good house and a lot of people who care for me far more than I deserve. More than that, I have an amazing God who is always with me and who has ransomed my soul from an eternal punishment, and has made me a child of his by adoption through the blood of Christ. But I can't ignore the facts sometimes - and occasionally those facts mean that I can feel wretched.

I've been diagnosed with depression for about 6 years now. I've been on and off all sorts of medication since then and at the moment it seems to have it all under control. But I'm so incredibly lonely. I've realised this - particularly this last year. I can get so lonely and yet trap myself in a ball of loneliness where I isolate myself from those people who I know would be so GOOD for me to spend time with. And I spend time with those people who I know, deep down I know, are going to be ultimately bad for me. Or at least who won't be GOOD for me. And it's strange. I push those people who are close to me away, or at least don't make as much of an effort with them as I should, and I spend time with people who ultimately I don't care THAT much for. I confuse myself.

But tonight I am lonely. I miss friends. I miss people. I miss love and I miss intimacy. It may have something to do with my parents being away, but then it might not. I don't think it does actually. I know that a HUGE part of it is that I'm not as close as I should be and could be to my Lord and Saviour. He's constantly there for me, and yet I find so many things to do instead of chat with him and tell him how I feel. And so I hope that this place will be somewhere that I can do that. Somewhere I can express myself honestly and freely and somewhere I KNOW he can read and see. I know he knows my thoughts and my feelings, but he wants me to tell them to him too. And so maybe this can help, in some small way, to me being able to open up again.

Maybe. I need help with it. But then he knows that too

Back to Home

2006-09-02T04:32:00.000-07:00

Well, after a year of working at Wheelock Heath Baptist Church I have now moved back to my parents house. Originally, the plan was to move to Liverpool and get a job there, but I couldn't afford to do that and still eat, so moving home made the most sense out of all options. And here I am. Am not entirely sure what I think of it all, which is a bit alien to me. Usually I'm very aware of how I feel about something, but this has left me bizzarely without feeling. I think this is added to by the parents being away. When they're back, maybe I'll be more aware of what's going on in my head. But then maybe I shouldn't question it and should just accept that I'm generally Ok about it all, and carry on as I am.

But anyway, I'm home. And I hope to be on this beast fairly frequently. So there that is.